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Monday, October 3, 2011

Flash Foward Half a Year Post Earthquake

It is going on seven months since the devastating 9.0 earthquake in Japan. Any given day I can almost argue that it was just yesterday, until a calendar reveals the truth of the passing of time.

Roughly 8 hours after the quake. Our city is completely blacked out. Still hadn't heard from Chris. 

Several months ago I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I've heard of the disorder before but (shamefully) associated it with craziness and didn't think too much of it. Due to my own inappropriate, uneducated, ill-informed, definitions of the term my diagnoses did not go over very well and is one, up until recently, I've refused to accept.

Much of the PTSD I have experienced has dealt with extreme difficulties of falling asleep due to my mind 'flipping channels,' nightmares (typically earthquakes, death, and abuse), flashbacks, and high levels of anxiety (PTSD is considered an anxiety disorder). The area of my life that these symptoms (typical for PTSD) have mainly affected is relationships, especially with God.

It hurts to know you love someone but not feel the fire in your heart. The frustration, the anger, yet the disconnect. Going through the motions, walking aimlessly, hoping to eventually miraculously find your way back home.

For the past month I've convinced myself that I am strong, that I am better and was able to will myself to be healed... The true of it though is that I have merely been distracted. Distracted by my job and the praises I have received in that. The approval I received made it easy to assure myself that I'm "fixed."

Biblically when we feel that we are strong and able to move forward by our own efforts we're actually quit weak because we have left no room for God to be of need. I found myself reading 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 and fixated on verse 9, 'but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.'

This truth, though it doesn't fix the disorder, is like a fresh breath to my spirit and gives me courage. Through this I recognize that I am limited and cannot rely on my own energy (which is running low) and efforts and by doing so I make room in my mind and heart for God, for Jesus' grace.

Lord, I pray that I turn to you for effectiveness.

1 comment:

  1. Oh man. I have this other friend, and I also follow her blog, which is about her own struggles with depression...but kinda within a Biblical framework? Anyway, it SOUNDS like similar things-- PTSD and depression are both mental conditions, totally not your "fault," and yet you're forced to "deal" with it and ask "why." I feel like lots of what she talks about is...similar, in a way. I'm not sure how to explain it, but feel free to check it out:

    If nothing else, know that you aren't alone. :)

    And now, for my favorite verse of all time, John 16:33.

    "I have told you these things so that in me, you may havepeace. In this world you will have troubles; but take heart! I have overcome the world."


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